My worst habit

I’ve given up soft drink, I don’t really drink booze much and I eat ok too. My worst habit is arguably… Biting my nails.

I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. I can’t remember a time where I haven’t done it.

I’ve only been able to quit under very specific circumstances: fake nails (which are plastic) or applying nail hardener or nail polish (which is also kind of plastic tbh).

So now I’m trying to quit biting my nails, but without my usual methods I’m not doing so well. From the reading I’ve done it’s all about the smooth edges and my compulsion to create them. Which based on my own innate sense of annoyance with a rough edge, sounds correct to me. I also do it when I’m anxious or feeling nervous, but that’s not necessarily serious – I often do it in films when there’s a surprise – so it’s not just related to ‘serious’ issues.

One thing that I need to come to terms with is natural nails. I love the look of colour nail polish, of the gloss, the shine and the perfection of nice nails. If I do manage to grow them, I love the feel of the gloss on them and often admire my hands on my own when I manage to stop biting – but I only ever quit when there’s something on top of the nail: a fake nail or continuous polish and never bare nails.

That’s not reality though – that’s fake. Beyonce’s nails at the Grammys today were long, pointy and gold. That is not real. She looked amazing, she looked like a goddess, but certainly not human because she looked so beautiful.

One of the biggest things that will manifest through this year is building contentment. It’s ok that my nails aren’t long and gold, it’s ok that I don’t have new clothes, it’s ok that I don’t have the newest computer or gadget. I can learn to be content with what I have. It’s also ok that this can be hard: changing habits ain’t easy and marketing works super duper well with me.

Once uni starts up again I’ll report back on the nails with an update. At the moment they’re quite short and stumpy, but they’re longer than last week and I’m sure next week they’ll be longer again.

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